Real Life

Since Paul left, I feel like I've been avoiding blogging. (Well, I don't feel like I have, I have been avoiding it)

Why? I know why. Because I like being transparent and putting what I'm really thinking out there. But being real and honest seems kind of wrong as a missionary sometimes. We think, "Aren't we supposed to be praising God all the time and talking about how good He has made our lives? What would my supporters think if I made a post or comment about how crummy things were? That their money was being wasted? " And then I just feel worse and very alone. 


Then I remember, "Ah, but they are my supporters! Thus, they should especially support me when I feel crummy! This is part of the adventure!"


And indeed it is. One of our friends here, CJ, said to me, "Well. you're a real missionary now. All missionaries struggle with finances, visas, or illness. Because you're covered financially and don't need visas, clearly one of you had to get ill." He was mostly joking, but it's also very true. While we've been here we've prayed for many people who are struggling with finances, visas, or being ill. Unfortunately, both of us have been sick here while we were here but that's beside the point. The point is, being a missionary is not easy and real life happens to us too (sometimes I think it's on a grander scale, but I'm probably just being dramatic). So, while I'm going to try hard not to complain too much and focus on the good, I'm just not in a terribly chipper mood all the time now.


Strangely enough, I have found one more "good" thing about this whole mono business and this "good' thing is also going to sound strange. Paul and I don't usually find much to disagree on and we had never had a full on argument, but the other night we had a huge argument over something. In the end the right decision was made and, we resolved it, but there was a lot of frustration and stress getting there. In a weird way, I think that was good for us. It sucked, but I think we'd be fools to think that arguments like this will never happen again when we get married. I tend to default to ignoring the person when I'm in a long distance argument and I love that he doesn't let me do that. I know arguments will happen, but this has made me more confident that we can get through them and more importantly want to because we want to make this work. 


Not only that but God is really trying to stretch my trust in Him. Before Paul left I could check in on him personally every few hours, make sure he takes his meds and try to make him eat healthy. But now I'm in Canada and he's far away and I have to trust God that He's got this. But I'm having a hard time trusting God that Paul being in the States and away from me is what's best. Don't get me wrong, I'm used to being long distance and the "I miss him" pain. That feels more normal than getting to see him every day. But this separation seems magnified with him being so ill. All day I think, "I wish I were home" or "I wish Paul were here with me." But, I'm trying to truck along, do my best to do what I can and pray hard. It's hard when I feel so helpless.


Paul update: He's not doing any better and seems to be getting worse by the day. Nothing has really improved other than the ibuprofen is much better at dealing with the pain than Tylenol. However, yesterday he started having jaw pain and as of today can't open his mouth more than the width of his finger. Again, this makes eating and keeping hydrated difficult. If he doesn't get proper nutrients in, then his body can't fight this virus and whatever else is going on with him, then he takes longer to recover. He goes to the doctor on Monday. My prayer is that he will be fully healed by the time I get home, in roughly 23 days. If that's the case then he most likely will be able to attend school this semester. If he ends up staying ill long enough that he can't go to school this semester then we will probably be postponing our marriage as well. (Not ideal).



Work update: I've managed to finish the Pray page, and am rethinking the Give page. Added some nice usability touches to it and will be doing a little bit of user testing. Documentation and training will start next week as I will be heading home two weeks earlier than planned. (Don't worry, I'll keep working from home).



Well, for not wanting to blog, that was an awfully long blog post =P Thanks for sticking with us.

Alone in Canada

I feel like I should write a blog post. But for once, I don't really have much to say.

Paul is about the same. He went to the doctor at home and they told him to get off the Tylenol and get on ibuprofen. Tylenol is hard on the liver and not as effective. We had been told the opposite by the doctor in Welland. So the good news is that he's having less trouble with his ears and can eat more. Praise the Lord!

There's some good stuff happening on the site too. I spent quite a bit of time trying to get some simple javascript working so that users will have a better experience. I've also nearly completed work on the Give page -- all that's left is putting in content. The Pray page is taking some form, although I'm not happy with it at present. I think more brainstorming is necessary and God will give me what it should look like. Then the last thing is to throw in some Facebook integration. Once that's done, it's on to documentation and training! Yay!

Before all the mono mess happened Paul and I were planning to go to the Toronto Challenge. This is an outreach put on by OM Canada and a local church to reach out to those in the Toronto area, especially Muslims. Unfortunately, I've decided to not go to the challenge for a couple of reasons. One, I'm leaving two weeks earlier than planned, so I need to have more time to do the documentation and training and the outreach is a whole week that I couldn't work. Two, I'm trying to keep my immune system as boosted as possible, and I don't think being around lots of new people, foods, and late nights are helpful.

That's all I've got for you. Oh, and Canada Day is this Sunday! Yay!

God is in Control

"This summer isn't turning out to be how you planned it, is it?"

This phrase and other variations of it I've heard many times over the past few days. They're right; this is not how I envisioned this summer going at all.

In some ways though, this is what I asked for. I prayed that God would work through us, help us to build a website and strengthen our relationship both with Him and with each other. To tell you the truth, he's done all those things, just in ways I wouldn't have imagined.

Obviously, there is a website and we've done a lot of work on it. He's worked with us. It's coming along well, even with everything going on. There's one major section to finish and then it's on to documentation and training. This has been much smoother than either of us had anticipated. We had been working really well together which was another thing we were testing out since I'll be starting an internship with EV Technologies this August. (That's the company Paul works for).

As for our relationship with God, I can't speak for Paul, but I know I've had to do a lot of trusting of God in everything that we've been doing. I've had much more time spent with God this summer than I have in a long time. All this illness has just made me lean on him more. I've learned more about prayer, about giving, and about what it really takes to be a missionary through this experience. It's more than spending a week or two "roughing it".

As for our relationship, yes we're apart now, but we know we can handle that. That's normal for us. What we wanted to see was if we really had what it takes to make it for more than 2 weeks. We made it to 4 before he had to leave and we were going strong. I had a friend who once said to me way before I got engaged, "I'm not going to ask you if you love Paul, but do you want to care for him? Do you want to  do what's hard, to clean the dishes, pick up after him and actually live a life with him?" I didn't really know what to tell her then because we've never had an opportunity to do "normal" like that before.Well, I got a heavy dose of that this week and I can tell you that I feel more secure in my love for him than I did before he got sick. 

 I will miss Paul, but I'm glad he will be at home where he can be close to medical care without worrying if we're going to be able to get back across the border. I wish I knew why this happened, but I'm trusting God on this one. He is good and is in control.


Please keep praying for his recovery. I'm coming back home in 3 and a half weeks and I think it would be awesome for him to be mostly recovered by the time I get back. Pray that I will be able to get done what is needed over the next 3 weeks and to make the right decision regarding whether I should go to the Toronto Challenge. I can't thank you all enough for the many prayers that have already been lifted up for us.