Real Life

Since Paul left, I feel like I've been avoiding blogging. (Well, I don't feel like I have, I have been avoiding it)

Why? I know why. Because I like being transparent and putting what I'm really thinking out there. But being real and honest seems kind of wrong as a missionary sometimes. We think, "Aren't we supposed to be praising God all the time and talking about how good He has made our lives? What would my supporters think if I made a post or comment about how crummy things were? That their money was being wasted? " And then I just feel worse and very alone. 


Then I remember, "Ah, but they are my supporters! Thus, they should especially support me when I feel crummy! This is part of the adventure!"


And indeed it is. One of our friends here, CJ, said to me, "Well. you're a real missionary now. All missionaries struggle with finances, visas, or illness. Because you're covered financially and don't need visas, clearly one of you had to get ill." He was mostly joking, but it's also very true. While we've been here we've prayed for many people who are struggling with finances, visas, or being ill. Unfortunately, both of us have been sick here while we were here but that's beside the point. The point is, being a missionary is not easy and real life happens to us too (sometimes I think it's on a grander scale, but I'm probably just being dramatic). So, while I'm going to try hard not to complain too much and focus on the good, I'm just not in a terribly chipper mood all the time now.


Strangely enough, I have found one more "good" thing about this whole mono business and this "good' thing is also going to sound strange. Paul and I don't usually find much to disagree on and we had never had a full on argument, but the other night we had a huge argument over something. In the end the right decision was made and, we resolved it, but there was a lot of frustration and stress getting there. In a weird way, I think that was good for us. It sucked, but I think we'd be fools to think that arguments like this will never happen again when we get married. I tend to default to ignoring the person when I'm in a long distance argument and I love that he doesn't let me do that. I know arguments will happen, but this has made me more confident that we can get through them and more importantly want to because we want to make this work. 


Not only that but God is really trying to stretch my trust in Him. Before Paul left I could check in on him personally every few hours, make sure he takes his meds and try to make him eat healthy. But now I'm in Canada and he's far away and I have to trust God that He's got this. But I'm having a hard time trusting God that Paul being in the States and away from me is what's best. Don't get me wrong, I'm used to being long distance and the "I miss him" pain. That feels more normal than getting to see him every day. But this separation seems magnified with him being so ill. All day I think, "I wish I were home" or "I wish Paul were here with me." But, I'm trying to truck along, do my best to do what I can and pray hard. It's hard when I feel so helpless.


Paul update: He's not doing any better and seems to be getting worse by the day. Nothing has really improved other than the ibuprofen is much better at dealing with the pain than Tylenol. However, yesterday he started having jaw pain and as of today can't open his mouth more than the width of his finger. Again, this makes eating and keeping hydrated difficult. If he doesn't get proper nutrients in, then his body can't fight this virus and whatever else is going on with him, then he takes longer to recover. He goes to the doctor on Monday. My prayer is that he will be fully healed by the time I get home, in roughly 23 days. If that's the case then he most likely will be able to attend school this semester. If he ends up staying ill long enough that he can't go to school this semester then we will probably be postponing our marriage as well. (Not ideal).



Work update: I've managed to finish the Pray page, and am rethinking the Give page. Added some nice usability touches to it and will be doing a little bit of user testing. Documentation and training will start next week as I will be heading home two weeks earlier than planned. (Don't worry, I'll keep working from home).



Well, for not wanting to blog, that was an awfully long blog post =P Thanks for sticking with us.